I Kondoed My Closet, and This is What I Found

The desire for a fresh start is never stronger than in the first few weeks of a new year. Optimism, ambition, and the sense that all will be different this year if only I can begin it with all my underwear and socks in their proper place. Urged on by the current tidying up trend sparked by organization guru and joy proponent Marie Kondo, I went on a quest to rediscover the back of my closet and find my favorite bra. Here are a few of the items I found along the way.

Seven socks without mates. No joy sparked.

Several white t-shirts now yellowed. Kind of the opposite of joy.

A bootleg Amnesty International concert t-shirt from a 1986 show in Torino, Italy featuring Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band, Sting, Youssou N’Dour & Tracy Chapman. A spark for the memory, not for the item. Gone.

A blue velvet bikini that last fit in 1995 (elastic disintegrating). Kind of sparky. Still going in the trash.

A large box full of small velvet jewelry boxes. All empty. Among them, one rectangular worn gray box bearing the name of a jeweler in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, the city where my mother grew up. This would have held maybe her first pair of pearls. Joy.

All the shopping receipts I hid from my husband under my socks. Spark of guilt. Very fleeting. Toss, obvs.

A red “World’s Greatest Aunt” sweatshirt bearing the child-sized handprints of my niece and nephew who are now married adults. A must-keep. (Also, no one else can wear those handprints.)

A miniature volleyball signed by Olympic gold medalist Kerry Walsh. Moved to a different closet.

The pair of Doc Martin boots my husband has been missing for two years. Sparked joy for my husband.

Four pairs of shoes I’d forgotten I had. Flames.

A cat-themed canvas tote bag containing my mother's last knitting projects, forever unfinished. Sparked tears. And joy. Just try to pry it from my hands.

A black pencil skirt with the tag still on it. Sparked an existential crisis.

A black and white geometric print wrap dress from Banana Republic with the tag still on it. Sparked regret.

A linen hip-length wrap vest from a brief period of infatuation with English country manor life (tags still on). Nope.

Four strikingly similar yellow blouses. Sparked rationalization.

Six canvas tote bags bearing museum logos. So much joy. (Why do I love tote bags so much?)

Three brand new tea towels and four small pear-scented Nest candles purchased as hostess gifts and promptly forgotten. Joy! I’m stocked up on hostess gifts!

An assortment of pens including one from the California Federal Bank, where I last had an account in 1998. Sparked a twenty-minute conversation with my husband about the bad financial choices we made in our early years of marriage.

Nine pairs of jeans, three of which fit. Sparked another diet resolution.